dating dos and donts
Dating Pitfalls – Beware the Cougar Hunters
One of the strange spin-offs of being separated or divorced is you that you find yourself mingling in a very, very altered singles market from when you last searched for a mate. For me, that was about 14 years ago in the early noughties.
When I discuss my online dating adventures with friends of mine who are still married to their college sweethearts ( i.e. the last time they were single was in the early 90s!), it’s as though I’m reporting from the trenches of a war among alien species.
They literally have no clue. Hell, I had no clue either and I had to learn the rules of the game really fast or get stomped on. Read the rest of this entry »
“Ghosting” etiquette for the Over 40s
For any of us who are unfamiliar with the term I think the Huffington Post describes it well in an article from last year :.… “ghosting” (sometimes known as the “slow fade”) refers to the anecdotally pervasive act where one dater ends a relationship by simply disappearing. The ghost does not give an explanation of any sort, leaving the ghosted wondering where he or she went wrong.” http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/30/ghosting-dating-_n_6028958.html …
This passive-aggressive break-up technique that was, a year ago, predominantly seen as a more common occurrence among 18-29 year olds has, with all things online, spread rapidly to the older age bracket aswell. The anonymity and ease of detachment allowed by online dating trumps manners and etiquette and any other more ingrained value system we more mature folk may have had growing up, compared to our younger colleagues at the coalface of modern dating.
It’s human nature to want to know why someone has mysteriously disappeared from your life or at least from your viber messages. I too have indulged in the post-ghost analysis of what I could have done or said differently to create a different ending. I’ve agonised over “why would he introduce me to all his friends at the wedding afters if he didn’t see a future for us etc”. The truth for all these occasions is he probably couldn’t face going to yet another wedding on his own and you were available and kinda cute and maybe his friends would spend the evening being intrigued and a little bit jealous rather than pitying him. Do we honestly want to read a message saying just that? Yes, it belongs to the cruel-but-kind school of break-ups, it helps the person move on quicker but who wants to be the asshole who actually says that? Even when the nicest person in the world, in the nicest possible, gentlest way breaks up with us they are NEVER going to tell us the REAL reason they found us a turn off – “You bore for hours about your work, you have bad breath, you remind me of my ex-wife, you aren’t over your marriage break-up yet” etc. Instead, we have all used safe euphemisms to get the message across that we don’t see a future together or there is “no spark”. Society has generally deemed that appropriate as it’s just one person’s opinion of us afterall, and we don’t need to hear such negative feedback. One friend of mine would go so far as to say it’s none of our business why he doesn’t want to be with us as that’s HIS stuff.
I have been both Ghost and Ghosted so I’m not here to pass judgement. I deal with it on a case-by-case basis so I can still look myself in the eye over how I treat people, preferring to be direct where possible. As a rule of thumb I found I have behaved in a kind of sliding scale way depending on the length of involvement I have had with the person.
Post-relationship
If I have been seeing someone for a few months, we have slept together and are at the stage where we decide to have a chat about forsaking all other online suitors, becoming friends on facebook where our kids pictures are visible, logging off dating apps and giving each other a fair try in the real world as a couple, then old-fashioned rules apply. It doesn’t matter that it started out online, Ghosting is completely inappropriate and downright mean and I don’t think anyone in the 40s age group would think it’s ok. If they did then it is a very telling indicator of why they are still single perhaps. So decency would dictate that this scenario deserves a face to face break-up chat as far as I’m concerned. Never easy but needs must. It’s only fair and it’s how I’d expect to be treated myself.
Post-first date
If I’ve met someone on one or two dates max and decide I don’t want to go any further I tend to go with the norm which is to text a line or two of polite closure. Where possible I try and give it a definite ending excuse that saves on embarrassment like – “the geographical distance just isn’t going to work out for us so there’s no point in continuing etc.” but if they only live down the road it’s a bit trickier. I always generally text to say thanks for meeting and then because I’m an older female, wait to be asked out again before saying no, rather than being presumptuous and assuming they are interested.
Post- chatting
If I’ve only been chatting back and forth online via a dating app for a couple of evenings and decide by then that I don’t want to meet the guy, I do definitely tend to ghost. I let the gaps between messages slide to becoming longer and longer and hope they take my lack of enthusiasm as an unsaid indicator that I’m just not that into them.
When I first started dating again, this used to drive me mad when it happened to me and I’d want closure and look for a final word reply– “I take this means you’re not into taking it further?” Then I realised this was a waste of my emotional energy and I adapted and went with the flow or social norms of the place I was in, rather than pointlessly forcing it to bend to my will. Otherwise it was akin to 20 years ago when you chatted to a really cute guy at a bar, went off to queue for the bathroom and then came back to find him snogging someone else. You didn’t march up and tap him on the shoulder for a “why don’t you fancy ME!” debate, you took the hint (albeit slightly gutted) and moved on.
Meeting in bars and clubs was always the most excruciating, plumage-flashing experiment in the Darwinian survival of the fittest, so why should we expect online dating to be any better? Much debate is had over the lack of empathy in how we treat people online because it feels so removed and unreal but real world sexual interactions weren’t always the kindest either, however rosily we like to reminisce over the now extinct “slow sets”.
On occasion when I have more overtly texted “thanks but no thanks” I’ve been growled at for giving unwanted feedback or for being offensively presumptuous so it’s seems you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Sometimes just wandering off into cyberspace or the “spectral” dimension is the kinder option.
Consigning my Inner Nun to a Vow of Silence
This isn’t a post about sexual health but rather looking after your mental health while being a sexual creature.
Since I was last seeing someone regularly, I realised I was slowly becoming cranky old cat lady over the past (sex-free) ten months. Yes, I had been busy searching for Mr Right and happy to wait until the next likely candidate showed himself but as time went on I realised I was ignoring a whole side to my being that needs as much nourishment as any other part of me.
Over and above missing the sexual pleasure of an orgasm á deux, I do believe we get skin-starved. We miss out on the basic pleasure of touch, of being hugged. its hard to get that need met in the daily round as a single adult not living near relatives. I’m lucky that every time my young child holds my hand my heart just turns over with a mother’s love and gratitude. Likewise, if your back is hurting you, you can go see a physio or get a massage to help but let’s face it, it’s not the same as the intimate touch of a partner.
Realising this, I finally decided to give my happy-ever-after-seeking profile on POF (plentyoffish.com) a time-out and join POF’s sluttier younger sister –Tinder. I know I’m on record being rather critical about Tinder but as with most things I’m prepared to accept when I’m wrong and this is one of those times. There’s a basic freedom and honesty on Tinder and I pitched my own tent with the headline –“Here for Fun while looking for the one – whichever comes along first”, thereby keeping my options open in case True Love did appear in such an unlikely venue. “Fun” is of course a widely-regarded online euphemism for no strings attached sex or NSA. It basically means I am sexually available without needing to pledge a joint mortgage or put a ring on my finger.
I got a pretty immediate response and after weeding out all the married guys (not a hypocrite, not about to meet someone else’s man) I whittled it down to a shortlist of two lovely guys who appear down to earth, genuine and sexy as hell. At first I was like a kid in a candy store –this unusual sexual freedom rushing to my head. Then a colder, quieter voice crept in. The slut shame voice.
As a convent-educated schoolgirl in 1980s Ireland there was no denying the catholic inner voice was slightly appalled at how ballsy, unladylike and loose I was being in joining Tinder at all. Surely no nice self-respecting man would want me after my fall from grace?
Considering I nearly drove myself into depression in my 20s worrying about what “others” think of me, I had to stop and realise that this inner voice was just another variation of the mythical judge and jury that held such sway over my choices, behaviour and happiness back then. I rang my closest confidantes – the two “loosest” women I know, and they helped me accept it was ok to want sex with a sexually available and fellow-single guy. To trust my gut instinct as a 40-something woman with plenty of life experience. To ignore this voice as just another A.N.T – Automatic Negative Thought. So, I now have my first NSA encounter lined up with a really hot guy my own age this week, having vetted each other in a local coffee shop at the weekend and “by god” am I going to just relax, play safe and enjoy it. Hey – God invented sex after all.
In the end I know this girl who grew up, self-brainwashed on a steady diet of Mills & Boons / Harlequin romance novels stolen from her grandmother’s house will soon tire of such hollow pleasures. The yearning for the greater, more meaningful intimacy that only comes with a longer term relationship will re-emerge, but for now, while waiting for that to happen, Dang! I’m going to have Fun.
To disclose or not to disclose – that is the question.
I’ve previously posted about dealbreakers but say you do have some things in your past, perhaps through no fault of your own, that may prove unacceptable to some people you meet, how and when should you discuss them with a potential partner?
Let’s face it there are some initial or obvious dealbreakers such as too big an age gap, too far away, how their previous marriage / engagement ended and their current family status ie. do they have kids or are they child-free. Usually these can be found out quite quickly in the initial getting to know you chats online and the person can decide if they still want to meet you in person or not after that.
As to the rest – few of us get to this age, newly-single, without a few embarrassing moments from our past to own up to. The question is when. I’ll be honest myself and say it’s unlikely I’ll be able to have more kids, not because of my age but because I had such difficulty the first time round, years ago and the situation has hardly improved since! It’s something I’m a bit sad about as one more would have been lovely but I feel very privileged to be a parent as it is and I wouldn’t ever want to deny a guy out there the joy of becoming a Dad. So if someone has “wants kids” on their profile I feel it best to tell them I’m not a good bet for that upfront rather than waiting until we are in love and planning to move in together to shock them with a TV soap style dramatic reveal at the worst possible moment.
I have other things in my life to deal with that might not be everyone’s cup of tea but I’m not confessing to a priest. Nor do I want to appear like a crazy lady doing a TMI information dump all over some poor guy who only wanted to meet me for a bit of craic and a flirt, so you have to play it by ear. I’m not talking about wilfully deceiving someone either but more a case of biding my time. I’m not in the business of having to seduce, trick or cajole someone into loving a heavily edited version of me. I’m learning to accept myself as I am, to be happier in my skin and I’m looking for someone who’s is more attracted to that than he is repulsed by any of my perceived shortcomings or things in my past. Its not about the fall but how gracefully you pick yourself back up. All of that takes time. We have to trust the person we are with before we can reveal things about ourselves that aren’t exactly dream girl material. The guy could be planning to dump you after date three anyway for a newer shinier model that’s floats by so you have to protect yourself too from telling too many unnecessary embarrassing details to all you share a flirty cocktail with. Get advice from friends, try different approaches. See if you can subtly figure out if they have something in their past which might clash badly with something in yours, a case of your baggage rubbing up the wrong way with theirs. It may be at that point you can withdraw gracefully without opening yourself up to someone it wouldn’t last with anyway.
In the end you have to trust your instincts and be true to yourself. I’ve learned to make the best decision I can make with the information I have available to me at the time and then try not to beat myself up too much about it afterwards. I’d be interested to hear what has worked for others in our tribe when dealing with the big reveal.
Profile Pics Part two.
7. Get out the house.
The general advice on the websites is true – it’s better to have a photo taken of yourself out side / enjoying yourself / among people rather than a lone, indoors selfie which gives you the appearance of a double chin you don’t even possess. It’s simple – if it’s not a flattering picture don’t use it. The majority of men seem to only have selfies so I’m guessing they are too embarrassed to ask a friend to help them take a nice photo, for fear of the slagging they will get. The next time you are out on a walk don’t be too embarrassed to ask some randomer to take your photo at a beauty spot. Or if you still insist on a selfie only, go photobomb the Cliffs of Mother this weekend wearing your favourite top/shirt and upload it – I bet you get far more clicks than the bad bathroom selfie you previously had on there.
- Get Feedback
If you get chatting to someone online in a friendly way and think you might not be a suitable match i.e. you live too far away – don’t be afraid to ask for feedback on your photos. Guys you are good at commenting on our photos anyway I find, so why not ask us girls to return the favour? One guy had a picture of himself with a teddy trying to look cute and endearing but it just looked a bit sinister and when I told him that he was happy to delete it straight away! This kind of feedback is invaluable as you are never going to meet this person and it’s useful to gets some tips on maybe why you aren’t getting as many emails as you’d like to be getting.
- Go Visible
People have various reasons for not having their pics always visible on a site – for a while I had mine hidden when I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be dating or not for a few months. Some women actually get more approaches this way and there are various tactics etc.. But, inevitably, unless you have a certain fetish for only going on blind dates, then at some point you will still have to reveal your picture to the person before date night. So why delay? After all the chat and build-up they might have imagined you completely differently to your own perfectly good self, and it risks a big sense of disappointment so isn’t it better to have the pictures visible from the start where at all possible? Find one you like of yourself and use that. Don’t be too embarrassed to get a nice one taken – see advice above – you are worth the effort and brief embarrassment of asking a stranger to take your picture. It’s an unfortunate fact that dating websites are very much like a shop window so you should be putting your best self on display. I’m no great beauty and I don’t go around beating men off with a stick in bars etc. but at least to some guys on the site I am attractive and it’s a great start to any date if you have both seen recent, truly representative pictures of each other and have a little pleasant hum of anticipation about meeting up. Isn’t it better to manage someone’s expectations in advance and relax knowing they are coming along to meet the you of today rather than tricking someone into meeting a ghost of you from 15 years before
10. Embrace the hairloss and the love handles
A man in his late 30s to 40s who is bald is totally sexy to me. It’s a sign of confidence as it shows me a guy who is comfortable in his own skin and accepting of himself as he is now and being ok with it. Confidence is sexy. Someone clinging frantically onto a last few strands of wispy hair or a monk’s fringe is not sexy – it has the opposite, ageing effect. Someone clinging frantically onto a picture of themselves from five years ago is not sexy. Just take a deep breath and let it go. Shave it off. I’m female and have a mop of hair so I appreciate it’s easy for me to say. I know its really hard and scary but from a female perspective it’s definitely sexier. As for body shape, I genuinely like guys slightly beefy or with a few extra pounds. I’m no skinnymalink myself and while I do go to the gym, I’ve had a baby and I don’t have the toned body of a babe in her 20s and I’m not trying to compete with that either so if a guy wants that – fair enough – its unlikely he’d be happy with me anyway so why even go there. One thing I like about the dating scene now compared to my first forays in the 80s was its now ok to be bald, bearded, long haired whatever. Back then there literally used to be one acceptable male or female haircut to be socially fanciable and the rest of us were deemed nerds. I love that in your 40s you like what you like, making no apologies for it and all shapes and sizes have a match out there who fancies just their exact type!
11. And Finally
A final cautionary word about profile pics – A picture doesn’t always say a thousand words – it’s best to try not to fantasise about what the person looks like based on a few happy snaps from great angles. Yes it is still the same person, but they talk, swallow, chew, cough and generally act in a 3D way that doesn’t exist in your fantasy pre-imaginings of the two of you walking hand in hand on some windswept beech together – insert your favourite fantasy here. So save the expectations until after you are over the big reveal and adjust your eyes to the real, living, breathing person in front of you with the infectious laugh, gorgeous smell or endearing twinkle in their eye that wasn’t caught on camera.
A Dating Checklist vs Acceptable Dealbreakers
If you have been single for much of your 30s or find yourself unexpectedly back on the dating scene over 40, it can be easy to have your barriers up and be a little too rigid about the type of person you are willing to allow back inside your life, after previous hurts. So what are acceptable deal-breakers and no – ruling out smokers isn’t one of them? In fact, a smoker who smells freshly showered wearing clean clothes and who has the courtesy to use chewing gum when expecting a snog off a non-smoker is more attractive to me than a guy who hasn’t washed in days or used a toothbrush !
Attraction is about smell and touch as well as what we see so if in doubt always use too much rather than too little deodorant for the guys but girls go easy on the perfume. I would also still be mindful of not eating anything garlicky the night before – not because I big-headedly assume I’m going to get a kiss but because chances are if you are in a slightly busy pub you have to lean in to chat and who wants to have the other person so turned off by your breath they aren’t listening to a word you are saying and certainly aren’t fantasising about kissing you later!
Similarly I don’t drink which might be a no no for some people but that doesn’t mean I don’t quite comfortably hang out in pubs and clubs with friends and happily tolerate my date’s Carlsberg scented breath at the end of the night.
For me, the deal-breaker is infidelity or someone who constantly talks about an ex or previous conquests in a very dismissive or bitter anti-woman vibe. It makes me really uncomfortable and I feel they haven’t really worked through any old anger they might have about their split. I’m not a therapist or punching bags so I usually politely bow out after date one.
But the infidelity deal breaker is just my own personal one – – if you both realise you like group sex, can’t be in a monogamous relationship for the rest of your life and also subscribe separately to a swingers website then you have clearly hit the jackpot in the compatibility stakes. A friend had one guy very broadly and carefully hint after date 2 whether she herself was into bondage before they went any further and I have to admire his honesty and self-acceptance. He had the rest of his life to live so why live a lie or pretending that something isn’t important to him. We aren’t teenagers trying to mould ourselves in the perfect partner we think the other person wants – that’s exhausting and will only cause resentment.
Be true to yourself and make no apologies for it. You’ve gotten a second chance at love so see it as an opportunity to be true to yourself rather purely fitting in with what everyone else is doing. What goes on between a couple in a mutually enjoyable and consensual way behind closed doors, without harming others is entirely their own business so the trick is to find someone who likes wearing very high heels to match your shoe fetish and live happily ever after! its never been easier in this internet age.
I guess the message here is stick to your guns about what you really want but be subtle about trying to find someone who matches that. Surely one of the privileges of being older and wiser is not only learning from our mistakes and begin more tolerant of ourselves and others but mainly to accept who we are and what we like and hopefully find someone who likes the same thing – whatever size shapes or physical outer package they come in?
This time round you should be clear about what’s important to you but only have a few true sticking points – insisting on physical ideals such as must have blonde hair or be a cage fighter with the physique to match is a little restrictive and in reality has little bearing on whether sparks will actually fly or not when you meet. Attraction is a funny thing and you can only tell when the person is there in front of you. Don’t miss out by being too rigid with your wish list. Be prepared to accept you might be wrong about some things and you could get richly rewarded for not expecting the obvious. Good luck!
Five SSSSS 